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crack climbing

How to be a Crack Addict with a Crack Machine in 5hrs


How to be a Crack Addict with a Crack Machine in 5hrs

You may be addicted to crack if you try to stick your body parts in parallel sided objects and then hang from them, day dream about Indian Creek, have noticeable scars on the back of your hands and ankles, are reading this article... A side effect of being addicted to crack is wanting to climb crack all the time. So you've searched the internet looking for someone to just lay out a crack machine, plain and simple, so all you have to do is build it or pay someone to build it. Well I think I'm a pretty competent Googler and I came up dry. Everything I saw was mounted to a wall or a garage or outside. I mean it must be nice to live somewhere you can do that but I move every year and live in a tiny apartment. I can't just go mounting shit on the walls.

So you're in this dilemma... You're a tiny but strong independent woman with essentially no nearby friends, no access to a climbing gym, and addicted to crack. The only solution is clearly to design and build everything you've ever wanted in a crack machine by yourself.

Here are my step by step instructions to success!

Step one

: get stuck in the LAX airport for 7 hrs. It'll give you plenty of time to brainstorm ideas and use those years in engineering school to sketch up mocks.

Step two

: second guess your abilities to build something from scratch with your lack of power tool knowledge and all around knowledge of building anything. (Other than software of course)

Step three

: tell someone [like a man] about your idea so they can tell you your dumb and it'll never work. This will give you the fire and motivation to prove them wrong.

Step four

: take off work. The weekends are precious and must be saved for real outdoor climbing.

Step five

: take your designs and go to home depot. If your expect any one at home depot to help you your expectations are too high.

Step six

: make cuts, buy all the supplies, carry around, and load into car all by yourself because I did ask for help and not a single worker was around. Remember its good training your going to have to unload it from the car by yourself at home anyways. Optimism.

Step seven

: unload car. Make sure to carry all the loads up at least two flights of stairs. Again by yourself. Took me 12 trips to the car.

Step eight

: your probably pretty hungry so eat a snack and high five yourself for being independent. While your at it call your dad or dad like figure because he's probably pretty awesome and will give you words of encouragement.

Step nine

: start measuring make sure to be accurate and pick crack sizes your willing to stuff body parts into. I chose a 5.5inch 2inch and 4inch cracks.

Step ten

: pre drill all of this holes all 52 of those holes. Preferably outside so you don't have wood chips all over your house.

Step eleven

: stare at the boards and think of how nice it would be to have someone to do all this work for you.

Step twelve

: time to assemble. Transport all those boards to the room they will live in because once assembled no way you'll be able to move it by yourself.

Step thirteen

: stick everything together upside down by matching up those holes you just drilled and jamming lag bolts into them this actually goes really fast and you finally get to see your hard work pay off

Step fourteen

: THE HARDEST STEP flip it over onto its legs... You'll probably be able to get it onto its side by yourself but all the way onto its legs... It weighs like 250lbs. Sooo rig some rope and lift with your legs, or call your climbing partner... Climbing is a partner sport so you have to have at least one friend.

Congratulations you are now



The last step is to reinforce the boards because there totally going to bow if you don't.

Drill through all the boards and reinforce with a threaded pipe and nuts. I did about every two feet. The closer the better.

Tada! Buy some climbing holds and mount them on the outside now you have a full body workout and can satisfy your crack addiction day or night!

Anyways for a more serious talk about my crack machine feel free to comment or send me an email I'd love to talk your ear off about the details! Measurements, bolt sizes, lumber, etc...