I never thought I'd find a place I'd like to live. I've always been someone who's never satisfied. Always searching. Always moving. Probably why I live in a van. As Cedar once said to me standing in El Cap meadow chatting about my recent injuries and life crisis "it's a perpetual cycle of self loathing. You will never be good enough." At first when you hear that you might disagree, but I knew exactly what he was saying.
I'm getting older again this year. Another year where I feel like I've accomplished nothing. It scares me. But the sad reality is that even if I did accomplish something it would be nothing to me. Nothing will ever be enough.
So here I sit again. Plotting and planning. I have big plans and goals for these last 3 months before I turn another year older. Goals I may not even be able to physically finish. That thought scares me. It's funny because I think about it a lot actually. I walk a lot. I run a lot. This means I have a lot of alone time to think. So I think a lot. The thought of starting this epic journey and not finishing doesn't feel real. The only way I wouldn't finish is if I was dead. So to me I will never not finish. I physically can't imagine myself walking away from this dream this goal this run that I've trained so hard for. But I have to be realistic I guess. I have to be okay with it if that happens. Walking away. Coming down from the mountains with unfinished business.
20 days and counting. A million things running through my head. At this point there isn't much more I can do. The hours I've spent training are done. I'm in the taper period. In my head I have convinced myself that I didn't train enough. But I know that I did. I have the scars on my back from chaffing to prove it. And the miles and elevations logged on paper.
Soon it will be time to send the gnar.